


Unknowable Treasure

by vedinamel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternian History, F/F, Gen, Grimdark magic mastery, Humor, Magic is Real, The Condesce punches herself, Time Loop, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 03:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4463189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vedinamel/pseuds/vedinamel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As servants of Doc Scratch, Alpha Rose and Handmaid work to shape Alternia into the horrific dystopia Paradox Space needs it to be, a life they are not happy with. Relying on each other, they follow the path that was set up for them, awaiting the right time for them to rebel and finally become the masters of their own fates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unknowable Treasure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pirategangsters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirategangsters/gifts).



 She thought at first that eventually it would get old, that with time she wouldn’t even acknowledge it anymore. She was wrong. The mix of horror, surprise, and denial in the faces of trolls as they stumbled backwards upon seeing her always hit her right in the heart. Staring at those fearful eyes as she approached her target filled her with unimaginable sorrow, but hey, a girl gotta breath. As much as she hated her assignments, she hated having her oxygen privileges taken away even more.

 “The Hornless”, as she had long come to be known in Alternian folklore, approached Troll Galileo slowly, tendrils of majjycal energy flowing from her majjycal wands and smashing the furniture and scientific apparel in Troll Galileo’s study; Wasteful? Yes, the guy sure had an eye for interior decoration, but her kills always had to have some theatrical exhibition of power. It helped get the whole “I’m the abomination from legends” point across.

  “No, not now! It is not fair!” protested Troll Galileo.

 “Please mister Troll Galileo, you lived an interesting life.” Said The Hornless, the majjycal tendrils of her wands smashing the windows of the tower that was Troll Galileo’s hive, this was something for the history books, so she had to get the attention of people outside. “Do you really want your last words to be so cliché?”

 “Wha…why does it matter? We’re alone here, how will people know what I said?”

 “I’ll spread the word” said The Hornless, and to Troll Galileo’s surprise, it actually sounded sincere.

 The majjycal tendrils spread around the exterior of the tower hive, black and lavender. The tendrils and the colors had long become her signature, something to let trolls know that yes, it was her fucking shit up right there. The tendrils reached and destroyed nearby hives as they passed through them. Spreading fear and causing as much collateral damage as possible was part of the job, but never too much, there should be enough people alive to tell the story.

 “You don’t understand!” Troll Galileo tried to reason with the monster he had feared was hidden in his recuperacoon when he was a child. “I made a great discovery; there is a city on the green moon!”

 “Interesting.” The monster replied.

 “Why is it there? Who built it? How…oh…so this is what this is about.”

 “Man, you really are clever, aren’t you?”

 “It was you!” Troll Galileo declared, pointing dramatically at the hornless creature in front of him.

 “Wrong, but that actually makes for an interesting thing to say before dying. Yes, let’s go with that.”

 The tendrils wrapped themselves around the top of Troll Galileo’s tower hive and crushed the part of the building with its owner inside; now smashed into a fine paste by the rocks he picked, carried, and neatly arranged to build his home. The tendrils dissolved in a matter of seconds and the top half of the tower crumbled down. When the witnesses passed along the story of the event, they threw in an explosion or two, after all, what cooler way to go than by dying in an explosion? They were sure Troll Galileo would appreciate that.

 Back on her own time period, Rose, or as the trolls called her, “The Hornless”, threw herself on her bed, withdrew the list that was in her pocket and with one of her wands drew an X over the name of Troll Galileo, the last name of today’s list. It had been a long day for her, but now her assignments were all done and she finally could rest. Her eyes closed and she was ready to receive the embrace of unconsciousness brought by sleep.

  “It was you!” said the echoing voice, snatching Rose out of the arms of slumber. “Such an interesting combination of words. Rather cliché, I must say, but it sure has a way of igniting the imagination of countless troll conspiracy theorists over the sweeps.”

 Rose, as it was customary, pressed the sides of her pillow over her ears in a futile attempt to block the sound of Doc. Scratch’s voice.

 “They are not actually countless. I know the exact number of conspiracy theorists who have believed that Troll Galileo’s death was part of a ploy to cover up other inexistent conspiracies. Such a bummer, is it not? To work so hard on something just so people can pretend it was not you who did it? That is obviously a rhetorical question, as I also know that it in fact is a bummer.”

 “Oh me, oh my. It is so hard to get recognition in this line of work.” Retorted Rose.

 “As you lament trolls writing off your accomplishments as nothing but stories to scare little trolls, why don’t you ask yourself: why not do it over dinner? Your companion worked so hard on today’s meal.”

 Before she could talk back, Rose was enveloped in the green light that shifted her through space, dropping her off into the kitchen.  As it had become common when it was Handmaid’s time to cook, the kitchen was an absolute mess; Pots, plates, silverware and chunks of food everywhere. The fire was particularly discomforting.

 Taking cover behind the oval table she turned on its side at the first sign of trouble, Rose’s companion was catching her breath, a fork in one hand and the door of a cabinet in the other, the latter which was covered with gooey pieces of meat, indicating it had been used as a shield. Rose ran for cover at the troll woman’s side and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.

 “Hello my dear,” said Rose. “What is in the menu today?”

 “Stroganoff. Nothing too outlandish, I actually followed the recipe this time.”

 “Praise be given to the Horrorterrors, my dear! Why, I thought I’d never live to see this day. If only I had something to remember this most unexpected of days, I fear I might spend the rest of my life wondering if this really happened or if I’m dreaming right now.”

 The Handmaid reached into one of her pockets and took a photograph out of it, handing it to Rose. In it, she posed with one hand on her hips and the other on her chin, faking an inquisitive look towards the recipe book Rose usually consulted. She was even wearing the apron Rose had given to her many sweeps ago, with the words “Fear the Cook” knitted in it.

 “Now there shall never be a shred of doubt in your mind.”

 Before Rose could thank her for the thoughtful gesture, the duo was violently pushed away as their dinner used its full force to break their cover. From the pot over the oven, tentacles made of pieces of meat and gravy reached out, looking for prey as Stroganoff sang of damnation and despair.  The two women recomposed themselves, their egos a little hurt after allowing their guards to be down for a moment in the presence of such a foe.

 “It seems our nourishment has become severely confused about its role.”

 “Then let’s teach it its place,” the Handmaid said as she handed a fork and a knife to her partner.

 “Let us take this seriously. It’s uncouth to play with one’s food, after all.”

 Stroganoff emerged from the pot; its roar was loud and ferocious. The rebellious dinner charged at the unusual duo, confident it could change the natural order of things and place itself on the top of the food chain through brute force alone. A strategy not unlike those of its predecessors, and doomed to fail all the same.

 “Dig in!” cried the Handmaid, and the two of them went into battle.

 The fires extinguished, the floor cleaned, and the dishes washed marked the end of another crushing victory over one of Handmaid’s bizarre concoctions. The leftovers were stored into sealed plastic bags. The troll of the duo used her mastery over time to return the table to a state before its destruction, making it new again.

 “We really do need to cook together one day,” said Rose. “I’m really curious about how you turn the most simple recipes into dangerous beasts.”

 “Just bad luck, I believe,” responded the Handmaid. “Now then, shall we go?”

 Rose captchalogued the sealed bags of leftovers into small tarot cards, and nodded indicating a positive answer. Her partner wrapped her arms around her and they departed once more into another place, in another time.

 Somewhere, deep below the surface, millions and millions of tiny trolls, still in their larval stage, made their way through the network of tunnels in the cavern which was their place of birth, looking for a way out. Strange crystals glowed blue on the walls of the tunnels, and a strange couple floated above them as they passed by, a troll and a human.

 Rose opened one of the plastic bags and dropped the content on the ground, and watched as the strangely adorable larval creatures rushed to the leftovers she dropped. Whenever they looked up at them, Rose liked to assume it was gratitude she saw in their eyes. No adult trolls were ever happy to see them in person, but perhaps the little ones, unaware of the place they held in troll folklore, had higher opinions on them.

 If they were already able to form opinions, that is.

 “Last one,” said the Handmaid as she emptied the last plastic bag, “and the good deed of the day is done.”

 “Hopefully your cooking will give them strength to face the trials ahead.”

 “Or maybe they’ll die soon for not being light and fast enough to outrun a predator.”

 “Well, at least they’ll die with their bellies full.”

  Feeding the little ones had grown into a habit as of late. Handmaid’s idea, after hearing Rose commenting on how wasteful it was to just throw the remains of their meals into the vastness of space. Their interactions with the people of Alternia had always been restricted to spreading fear and terror, as well as inspiring others to do the same. Feeding the young ones, however, proved to be an acceptable loophole, as the majority of them would never really live long enough to have any impact on the planet’s history. A small act of kindness that was refreshing to them.

 “I’ve been continuing my research,” Rose said after a moment of silence.

 “Oh?”

 “It has become rather dull, however.”

 “Shame.”

 The Handmaid responded with a tone of voice that transmitted disinterest, but Rose knew her well enough to recognize excitement brewing in her eyes, and her struggle to avoid smiling. She had been waiting Rose to use that code for many sweeps now. A little phrase they were confident that Dr. Scratch wouldn’t know the real meaning once it entered his not so all encompassing knowledge, and anything that he didn’t know was reason for great joy for the both of them.

 Back on the moon, the two women snuggled as they prepared to drift into sleep. It was their turn to sleep in Rose’s room. Handmaid feel asleep first, Rose stayed awake a while longer, with that uncomfortable, but useful, headwear on her head; their secret treasure, an unexpected souvenir from one of their missions. Though it blocked her vision omnifold, the Darkleer’s helmet made Rose feel safer whenever she put it on. Safe enough for her to entertain thoughts of freedom, of happiness.

 Thoughts of betrayal.

 In the next morning things followed as usual. Dr. Scratch handled them their assignments, more recorded instances of their apparitions throughout the history of Alternia. One of them Handmaid found particularly bothersome. It came with a list of ships present in a sea battle she and Rose had reportedly participated in, ships which they sunk. Historical accuracy was very important for their job of shaping history, as they were obligated to appear in events official historical recordings said they appeared in, in order for the records to exist in the first place, so the Doctor could give it to them as assignments. The more detailed the record, the more restrictive the job was.

 Legends and theories made much better jobs, as they could be rather vague which gave them more freedom; or they could have multiple versions, allowing them to just pick the one they liked best.

 “What a fine day to spread barbarism and depravity in an already barbaric and depraved society,” said the Doctor.

 Before Rose could give a sarcastic reply, the Handmaid grabbed her hand and took them to the nautical battle they were both supposed to be in.

 “Where would they be without…” Rose began. “Oh crud. Couldn’t you have waited just a bit?”

 “I wish to get the worst done already,” replied the Handmaid. “Blasted document. Few will ever read it, and none will believe it. It exists just to annoy me.”

 “I didn’t get a good look at it, which battle is it?”

 The Handmaid responded to her question, and the answer filled Rose with excitement, anticipation and, most important of all, hope.

 It was the sweep 3015 of the Sixth Empress. The rain poured heavily and the strong winds caused commotions on the ships as the sailors rushed to adjust the sails to those conditions. No bad weather would postpone that battle, however. The legislacerators had awaited sweeps for that opportunity and they wouldn’t let it slip.

 Troll Blackbeard gazed at the approaching ships of the legislacerators and smiled as he counted them. Twenty-five just to capture the one he was in. He had gotten sloppy, gave the legislacerators a golden opportunity to catch him, but seeing how many ships had been sent after him at once in the moment he was most vulnerable filled him with pride. So they feared him that much, did they?

 “Arrr!” He declared to his crew, and they prepared themselves for the coming battle.

 The legislacerators got closer and closer, and when they had him within cannon range, black and lavender tendrils descended from the clouds and wrapped themselves around the _Sink’Em_. The wood gave in and the ship was crushed, leaving no survivors.

 “Arrr?” Troll Blackbeard said in disbelief.

 Confused and startled, the legislacerators did not fire as they turned their attentions to the sky, looking for whatever monstrosity had just attacked them. A multicolored lightning came next, striking the _One Night Before Retirement_ , and another, hitting the _Red Shirt_. The ships were engulfed in a multicolored majjycal fire, and the screams of the crews of those ships would haunt the survivors of that battle for the rest of their lives.

 Like fingers, the majjycal tendrils parted the clouds and beneath the glow of the green moon the two most feared creatures in troll history slowly descended from the sky, sending the brave and battle hardened pirates and legislacerators down a trail of despair as the nightmares from their childhoods invaded their minds once again, more vivid than any memory.

 “Arrr…” Troll Blackbeard said in terror as his knees faulted and for the first time in many sweeps he feared for his life again.

 “Hmmm…I don’t know. Not dramatic enough,” said the Hornless.

 “Well, we caught their attention, didn’t we? That is enough,” replied the Demoness. “Next is the _No Safe Boats At All_.”

 “I see it. That one is mine, yes?”

 The Hornless went from a slow descent into a quick dive, her majjycal tendrils emerging from the dark waters to drag the _No Safe Boats At All_ down to the horrific depths of the Alternian sea. Then it was the Demoness’ turn to tear the _Bet You Can’t Sink Me_ in half. The crews of the _Get Him Not Me_ and the _Ironic Ship Name_ met their gruesome fates soon after.

 “Arrr!” said Troll Blackbeard to his crew in desperation, and they began preparing their ship to flee as the monsters took care of the legislacerator ships.

 From the waters, shadowy tendrils crawled on the sides to the deck of the ship. The pirates screamed and avoided the smilingly ethereal dark tentacles as they came aboard. The shadows merged into one, forming the figure of a woman without horns and a long dress with a skirt made of tentacles. When the creature opened her eyes, a blinding light shined though the sockets.

 “Leaving the party so soon?” Asked the Hornless, “And without giving me my present too! No, no, no, this just won’t do, gentlemen.”

 Some pirates froze in fear, others jumped out of the ship, a few others succumbed to cardiac arrest. Troll Blackbeard, on the other hand, seeing no way out of the situation, allowed his mind to be dominated by basic instincts, and like a cornered animal he prepared to go on a last ditch suicidal attack.

 “Arrr!” He roared and charged at the Hornless with sword in hand.

 One of the tentacles of her shadowy form grabbed Troll Blackbeard by one of his legs and threw him up into the air, towards the sky, beyond the clouds. The tentacles extended themselves towards the pirates that were still alive and pierced their chests, giving an end to them.

 Rose made her way towards the captain’s cabin, looking to her side abruptly, shining the light of her eyes on the face of the Handmaid when she got close enough.

 “Ahhh!” The Handmaid screamed in pain as she covered her eyes with her hands to protect them from the light.

 Rose dropped the theatrics and dissolved the coat of shadows that covered her and extinguished the majjycal lights of her eyes and went to the aid of her partner.

 “You almost blinded me!”

 “I’m sorry, dear,” said Rose as she embraced the Handmaid. “I didn’t think your eyes were that sensitive. It was a mean prank, I’m genuinely penitent.”

 “Very well, no harm done,” Handmaid said, blinking a few times. “The legislacerators are retreating. Let’s sink this ship and end this job.”

 “Not just yet, my dear. We should…look for souvenirs.”

 “Rose, I don’t think my room has any space left for any more junk. Let’s just move on and-“

 “Dear,” Rose insisted, firmly grabbing her partner’s arm. “I would reeeeally like a souvenir.”

 It took a few seconds, but the Handmaid got the message. She nodded in agreement, faking exasperation. She allowed Rose to lead her to the captain’s cabin, where Rose looked around for a little bit, pretending to debate with herself if some random object would make a good souvenir or not.

 She eventually got Handmaid’s attention on the fancy trunk Troll Blackbeard kept in a corner. She zapped the lock with her majjyc wand and opened the truck. Inside there was an item they had been looking for, for what seemed to be endless sweeps. Locating it proved a true challenge of patience and deduction, as it was as elusive as its original owner. The Darkleer’s uniform. Even after all those sweeps, still emanating an aura of Void it had absolved from its owner.

 “Empty,” said Rose, with a sigh.

 “Well, it’s a nice trunk,” replied Handmaid. “We should take it.”

 They closed the trunk and carried it out together. As they made it back to the deck, a scream could be heard from a distance, becoming clearer as he descended. Before he hit the deck, Handmaid stopped the flow of time with a swift gesture of her hand. The wind, the rain and the ocean froze in time, as did Troll Blackbeard’s body, just a couple of feet from the deck, but not his conscience, allowing him to be aware of the halt of the flow of time.

 “Do you wish to leave any last words for future generations, Captain Troll Blackbeard?” asked Rose.

 Troll Blackbeard’s life flashed before his eyes, he reflected on his life choices, his mistakes and his triumphs. He thought of the people closest and dearest to him. He recalled the most important lessons in his life and from all that he drew inspiration for his final breath.

 “Arrr,” he declared with wisdom.

 Handmaid snapped her fingers and time continued on again and Troll Blackbeard’s body broke through the deck of his ship. From their retreating ships, fearful legislacerators watched as black and lavender tendrils dragged Troll Blackbeard’s ship to the ocean’s floor.

 The trunk was left in a corner of Rose’s room, and the couple of time travelers never spoke of it again. Work continued as it always did. The two continued to travel back in time, visiting places they were rumored to visit, killing people they were suspected of killing. Their lives, as they always were, restricted to doing things they were told they had done so they could be told to do them. Trapped in an endless circle created by themselves and their employer.

 Their present always outlined by their future actions in times long before they even came into existence.

 A sweep had passed after the acquisition of Darkleer’s uniform, they relied on each other, their hobbies and, when it provided enough creative freedom, their work to keep the anticipation at bay, their plan close to its conclusion, yet still so far from it. A plan strategized in the dark depths of the Void they kept hidden in their possession.

 A plan to outsmart an omniscient being.

 It took half a sweep of research from historical archives, speculation, and sharing notes they kept hidden in the Darkleer’s helmet, away from Dr. Scratch’s awareness, but at long last, a sweep after they found the second piece of the puzzle, the third and final piece was finally within reach.

 The sweep 5015 of the Sixth Empress was the sweep they were waiting for, the year of the final battle of the famous Troll Jeanne d’Arc. Though most trolls believe she had been executed by fire before the Empress herself as declared by the official records, legend says that she did not die by the hand of the glorious tyrant, but instead she fell in battle, defeated by the Demoness and the Hornless themselves.

 “Forward!” Troll Jeanne d’Arc incited her soldiers, “victory is close at hand!”

 Claiming to be guided by dark gods from the far reaches of space, Troll Jeanne d’Arc wasn’t taken seriously by the Empress when she started talk of rebellion, a decision she came to regret later as she just kept forgetting how many times her subjects were willing to follow anyone brave enough to badmouth her in public.

 The cannons of Troll Jeanne d’Arc’s army oppressed the walls of the Empress’ castle relentlessly; well protected force fields parted the sea to allow the land dweller soldiers to attack the underwater castle. Drones fell left and right as the soldiers made it past the walls and into the courtyard.

 Troll Jeanne lead the charge, her soldiers running after her, when she suddenly stopped. She jumped to the side, avoiding the strike of a multicolored lightning that was aimed at her, but the soldier who was right behind her didn’t have reflexes as good, and was hit instead.

 “They told me…they told me! Hahahaha!” Troll Jeanne laughed maniacally as her soldiers, as courageous as they were, dropped their laser riffles and thought of running away, but their shaky legs didn’t allow them.

 The Hornless and the Demoness descended from the sky, passing the force field that kept the ocean away like it was nothing and landed on the courtyard of the Empress’ castle.

 “The Old Ones warned me that to defeat the evil tyrant, I’d have to pass the most difficult of trials…but this is rather unexpected!”

 Troll Jeanne walked towards the dreaded creatures of nightmares, and that gesture alone was enough to renew the resolve of her soldiers. She wasn’t afraid, or at least didn’t appear to be. She did not shake, didn’t avert her gaze from then, nor did she try to run. If she wasn’t afraid, then why should they be?

 “So, the Horrorterrors are really on your side?” asked the Demoness.

 “Do they love you more than they love us?” asked the Hornless.

 “If they love me more than you, I do not know,” responded Troll Jeanne d’Arc. “But I do know this: you’ll be crushed by my army!”

 Troll Jeanne’s soldiers aimed their laser riffles at the terrible creatures and opened fire. Their shots met no target, as the creatures simply vanished in the air. Confused, they began wondering if it were all just a trick of the Empress, but Troll Jeanne knew better.

 “Don’t let your guards down,” warned Troll Jeanne. “They are still here!”

 In an instant, dozens of soldiers were knocked back by a mass of black and lavender tendrils. The majjycal tentacles emerging from the Hornless’ wands spread and grabbed, threw and crushed soldiers faster than their eyes could follow, The Demoness was but a blur, shooting lightning from her wands which created colorful explosions as they hit their targets, killing hundreds in a matter of seconds.

 Troll Jeanne did not share the same fate as her soldiers. She simply closed her eyes and moved slightly. She’d move to one side or the other just enough to avoid the creatures’ attacks. No matter how much faster they seemed from her perspective, she dodged everything they threw at her.

 “This has taken long enough,” Handmaid uttered in annoyance. Around her, troll soldiers fell in slow motion from her perspective, the flow of time reduced to a crawl. She looked around for her target, but amidst all the soldiers flung into the air by Rose’s majjycal tentacles and her majjycal explosions, she had lost track of Troll Jeanne d’Arc.

 “Dear, behind you!”

 Handmaid looked behind her, just in time to see how close Troll Jeanne d’Arc’s fist was from her head. She smiled and chucked at the scene.

 “Wow, how sneaky of you. I’m impressed, really. No wonder you would have taken down the Empress if we weren’t-”

 Troll Jeanne d’Arc’s fist connected to her chin, and Handmaid remembered that just because an attack is slowed down from her perspective, it does not mean it carries any less force.

 Hitting the Demoness with a hook, the pain her attack caused loosened the creature’s hold on the passage of time, putting them both in the same perspective long enough for Troll Jeanne to hit her one more time with speed she didn’t have time to dodge. One more punch to the face and the Demoness, the fearsome creature from troll folklore, had been knocked out in battle for the first time.

 Much slower now that her time bending partner was out of commission, Troll Jeanne didn’t need to rely on the guidance of the Horrorterrors to dodge the Hornless’ attacks. She ran towards the creature , avoiding the tentacles emerging from her wands and tried to apply the same method she used to beat the Demoness.

  The target was very fast, but Rose’s vision omnifold allowed her to predict and avoid her attacks, but she didn’t have as much luck hitting the target, as Troll Jeanne d’Arc’s had her reflexes and the guidance of the Horrorterrors on her side. They just couldn’t land a single hit on each other.

 “I don’t like resorting to violence myself,” said Troll Jeanne. “I’m more of a strategist, you see, but if there is no way around it…”

 The target disappeared in a flash of light. Teleportation, a technology invented by members of her rebellion, and forever lost after their defeat.

 Rose went to Handmaid, who was still knocked out. She shook her partner in an attempt to wake her up, proceeding to slap her a couple of times when it didn’t work. She looked up when the moons’ lights were blocked and she saw Troll Jeanne d’Arc’s flying ship above, the _King of France_.

 The main cannon of the _King of France_ was primed and ready to fire. Rose shook Handmaid one last time, and when her eyes didn’t open, she stood, held firmly to her wands, and closed her eyes.

 Every shadow, the ones cast by the castle and the ones within it, the one cast by the _King of France_ and the shadows that predominated in the depths of the Alternian sea shifted at the Hornless’ will. The _King of France_ fired its main cannon, the shot broke through the force field and continued on to the Empress’ castle.

 The shadows spread, extending beyond the ground and converging over the castle, forming a barrier that resisted the blast of energy from the flying ship’s main gun. The waters receded, now that the force field was gone, covering the castle once more. From the dark waters a sphere of shadows, sustained by the eldritch forces concentrated on Rose’s wands, emerged and shifted into the form of a spear. The Grimdark Spear launched itself towards the _King of France_ , breaking through the ship. It turned around and hit the ship again and then once more.

 The _King of France_ could no longer sustain flight, and it crashed onto the ocean, and began to sink.

 Troll Jeanne moved as quickly as she could through the flooded corridors of the ship, making her way to her private chambers. Arriving there, she went to a trunk and retrieved the contents inside: a bow and a quiver with some arrows. Objects that emanated a dark aura, but their nature wasn’t malign in the slightest. The Void emanating from the objects was what made them so special.

 “They guided me to these. I thought they were just my imagination at first, but they guided me to an island, and inside a cave there I found these, just like they told me I would,” said Troll Jeanne d’Arc, turning to look at the Hornless and the Demoness. “They told me this is important to you, yes?”

 “Correct,” answered Rose. “It is crucial for our future.”

 Rose approached Troll Jeanne and placed a hand on her shoulder.

 “I’ll make it painless. Any last words?”

 “C’est la vie.”

 With all the items they had been searching for in their possession, work became a little more tolerable. Business continued as usual, with Dr. Scratch handing them their self retroactively pre-determined tasks thought time. Their work lead them to meeting and killing important figures of Alternian history: Troll Machiavelli, Troll Alberto Santos Dumont, Troll Elvis, and many others. The most important thing was that with each task completed, the end of their work neared, and the moment to set their treacherous plan in motion along with it.

 Two sweeps passed when the moment finally came.

 “What an occasion this is,” began Dr. Scratch. “Finally after all this time your services will no longer be required. Your final task, and your ultimate reward, is close at last. The two of you are now to meet with the Empress aboard her ship, and she will kill you both, fulfilling the requirements to end your conditional mortality at last. No, no, there is no need for farewells or prolonged displays of emotions. The fact is that I couldn’t care less. You are but tools and like any other tool, you shall be quickly replaced. Now, move along now, death awaits.”

 Handmaid took Rose’s hand and together they traveled to the location of their final task. The Empress’ ship traveled as fast as the laws of physics allowed it to, it’s helmsman long dead due to the tremendous effort to push the ship’s engines to their limit, it traveled across galaxies in a futile attempt to reach the home planet in time for the Empress to save anything that would enable her to ensure the continuation of her species.

  She had given up any hope of that long ago. Her Imperious Condescension sat on her throne at the ship’s bridge, bored out of her skull, eating ice cream and rewatching _That Sitcom About a Group of Friends Bullshitting Around_ on her Troll iPad for the thousandth time. She wished she could revive the dead, just so she could bring the writers of the show back in order to kill them with her own hands, because if she heard Troll Ross saying that he and Troll Rachel were on a break one more time…

 She paused the video, put the ice cream bowl aside and took her double trident in hand, descending the unnecessarily long set of stairs that lead to her throne.

 “Who the shell are ya’ll?”

  “Really?” Rose asked in return, “Don’t the outfits give it always? We worked so hard on these, that you don’t recognize our trademark style is insulting.”

 “Certainly your lusus told you bedtime stories about us to keep you from misbehaving,” said the Handmaid.

 “…Ah don’t wave time for riddles, if yous can just get to the port that would be great.”

 The couple of intruders struck a pose together, one holding one hand of the other while placing the other hand on the partner’s waist, as if they were slow dancing.

 “We are the Demoness and the Hornless,” they said in unison.

 “Charming. Okay, now that yous are here, Ah’m running out a ice cream so one a yous gonna go to the kitchen and get more, and who of yous give the better foot massage?”

 “The Hornless’ hands are just divine for that,” responded the Handmaid. “But I’m afraid she’s not here to touch your feet, but rather to squish your beating heart.”

 “I can give the Demoness one in your memory after we are done with you, though.”

 “Oh my glub, water is with yous people and rebelling? Can’t ya’ll just accept that Ah’m da bomb and just suffer quietly?”

 “If your highness is indeed ‘da bomb’,” Rose took one of her wands in hand and summoned her dark majjyc tendrils from it, “then it’s time for you to go out with a bang!”

 The black and lavender tentacles moved in the Empress’ direction, preparing to grab and crush her, but as soon as they made contact with her body, the tentacles simply dissolved, causing her no harm.

 Rose looked at the Handmaid, who proceeded to draw her own wands and shoot her majjycal lightning at their target. The Empress lost her balance as the impact of the lightning pushed her back, but other than that they didn’t seem to harm her in the slightest. The couple looked at it other, confused and surprised. The Empress got back on her feet and dusted off her spandex suit.

 “Oh please,” she grabbed the portion of the spandex at her stomach with both hands and pulled, ripping the fabric and exposing her belly. Tattoos covered her belly and went beyond under the fabric, ancient anti-majjyc sigils and small scriptures in a language Rose and Handmaid hadn’t encountered beyond the time period before the hemospectrum took hold and united all troll tribes into a single community. “Yous fin Ah would live this long without taking precautions? Yous thought Ah was just a typical dumb power hungry highblood, now da joke’s on yous, majjyc is useless as long as Ah got ma ink here. It’s permanent, by da bay.”

 “Very well,” said Rose, “No flashy death for you then.”

 “Let’s just do this old school,” said Handmaid, “beat you up to a stain on the floor. Shame though, it’s a nice carpet you got in your ship, will take forever to clean.”

 They charged at the Empress from opposing directions. The sea dweller planted her trident on the floor, took her high heels shoes off, and cracked her knuckles. When they got close enough to hit her they tried a series of different punches and kicks, trying to coordinate their attacks as best as they could, but it wasn’t often that they would get physical with a target and their technique came out as sloppy.

 The Empress dodged their attacks with surprising grace, it wasn’t long before they noticed she was doing ballet moves. A plie here, a bourrée there and their fists and feet met nothing but the air.

 “D’awww, look at yous! All lost without your majjyc tricks.” The Empress began to punch and kick them while still doing her dance moves. In less than a minute Rose and Handmaid were on the floor. The Empress picked up her shellphone and took a selfie, with the two creatures of nightmares on the background, with black eyes and bleeding noses. By the time they got back on their feet the Empress had already posted the selfie on Troll Facebook and logged on her other accounts to give it likes.

 “Okay,” said Handmaid. “No more Misses Nice Assassins.”

 “Yous wanna go again? Dat’s not good for ya health, but water do Ah care? Bring it on, beaches!”

 Rose went at her alone, The Empress avoided her attacks as she did before, but when she tried to attack, Rose dodged and counter attacked. Her technique was still somewhat sloppy, but when her attacks hit they hurt all the same.

 Using her vision omnifold she could predict how the Empress would attack, and Handmaid simply watched, slowing down time around Rose so her movements would seem even faster from the Empress’ perspective. The Empress fell down to the floor after a few minutes of fighting a speed up Rose, but was back on her feet very quickly.

 “Water da shell? Yous glubbing cheatas! Yous shoudn’t be able to use majjycs around me! Coddamned cheatas both a yous!”

 “Guess the joke’s on you,” said Rose.

 “This isn’t majjyc,” said Handmaid, appearing out of thin air behind the Empress. She tried hitting the sea dweller in the face, but she dodged, grabbed her arm and tossed her over her shoulder.

 The Empress retrieved her double ended trident as Rose went to check up on her partner. When Handmaid opened her eyes the sea dweller had already tossed the trident at the distracted Rose. Her powers activated on reflex, stopping time when the trident was just a feel millimeters from Rose’s head.

 She grabbed the double ended weapon and stood up. She didn’t look very buff, but the Empress still possessed tremendous strength, and Handmaid found it rather challenging to concentrate in keeping time frozen and dragging the trident on a different direction at the same time, fighting against the force the Empress used to throw the damn thing.

 Moving when time was perfectly still was also taxing. Rose once compared walking through the frozen air to moving inside a giant glass of milkshake. When she managed to get the trident far enough from Rose, she allowed time to began moving again, but slowly, it was less of a load.

 Using all the strength she could muster, Handmaid swung the trident and hit the Empress on her head, allowing time to pass normally once she was sure sea dweller was going to fall on the ground.

 “Any last…oh,” Rose began, but stopped when she checked on the Empress. “She’s out like a light.”

 “So much for ending our conditional mortality.”

 “You were supposed to let her win.”

 Flashes of green light covered the ambient of the bridge and Dr. Scratch teleported himself to the ship.

 “She would have been able to defeat you individually, but not you both at the same time, not as limited as she is now. Your orders were to die, not fight, was I not clear enough?”

 “You know, I never actually listened to a single thing you ever said,” responded Rose. “Whenever you start talking I start hearing “I’m a Member of The Midnight Crew” inside my head.”

 “Funny,” said Handmaid, “I hear Troll Barack Obama’s rap songs.”

 “But only his earlier work, right? His last stuff was a huge decline of quality.”

 “I think his later work is just misunderstood.”

 “Enough!” The Doctor shouted.

 He teleported next to Handmaid, and would have landed a punch on her if Rose hadn’t pushed her out of the way, taking the blow instead.  The force of the punch, courtesy of **The Green Sun** ,sent Rose flying away, breaking through one of the inner walls of the ship.

 “Rose!” Handmaid called. Before she could even think of going to her lover’s aid, Dr. Scratch hit her with a hook, launching her upwards, breaking through the ceiling and sending her to the next floor of the ship. She would have continued going up if the Doctor hadn’t teleported beside her to kick her into a wall, which bended as she made contact with it.

 Focusing on her power after the unexpected beating in the first round against the Empress was hard, but now the pain made time seem slippery. She couldn’t hold it anymore.

 “There, this should make you more manageable for when your replacement wakes up. I must say, I’m very disappointed with your attitude, of both of you. I raised you better than this. You two should know when…wait a moment…how can this be?”

 Dr. Scratch had no eyes, neither did he have need of any. He already knew the appearance of everything in the universe; all their actions; exactly where they once were, where they currently are and where they will be. He knows the exact location of everything in existence.

 Everything but Rose the Hornless. At that moment, at least.

 “What sort of parlor trick is this? Rose, I demand that you present yourself right this instant! This is unbecoming of a lady with your upbringing!”

 “Hey Doctor,” said Handmiad. “Do you know what I call an omniscient being that gets outsmarted by two flighty broads?”

  Seemingly out of nowhere, a punch was applied to Dr. Scratch’s spherical head, then another, and another, then a kick to the chest. The Doctor couldn’t defend himself from the bizarre attacks that came from nothing since there was nothing for him to defend himself against. He extended his awareness and searched his knowledge of the surroundings cautiously, but there was no one in that room with him and Handmaid.

 He felt a kick being dealt to his head and fell to the ground. Nothing grabbed one of his puppet hands and pulled hard, ripping the member from his body. He teleported back to the bridge, still searching in his awareness for what could possibly be assaulting him.

 Rose helped Handmaid get back up, placing one of her arms over her shoulders to help her walk. A smile formed in Handmaid’s lips as she looked at Rose wearing the Void infused clothes of Darkleer. The one who in another reality had been a hero of Void had always been rather elusive to the Doctor, the very nature of his aspect hiding him from the first guardian’s awareness, something that extended to things that came to be in his possession, clothes included.

 “Sucker,” said Handmaid.

 “Here,” said Rose, handing her an item capchalogued in a tarot card. “Hold on to this.”

 “Wake up, you blasted fish woman!” Demanded Dr. Scratch, shaking the Empress with his remaining arm.

  “Hmmm…not now, Gl’bgolyb. Five more minutes. Maybe hours.”

 “I do not have time for this!”

 The Doctor grabbed the Empress by one of her horns and pulled her up, waking the sea dweller.

 “Hey, hands off da royalty, short stuff! Water the shell are you?”

 “Focus, you egomaniacal cretin, we need to- hey, stop! Stop! Stop with that, I say!” Dr. Scratch protested as the Empress poked him with her trident.

 “Water did you call me? Ah’ll show ya who’s a cretin.”

 When Dr. Scratch became aware of Handmaid’s presence on the bridge, he teleported the Empress in front of her. Maybe then she would think of poking something else with that ridiculous fork.

 “Wha da…YOUS!”The Empress exclaimed as she found herself in front of the couple of legendary beings that dared to refuse to obey her orders.

 Handmaid drew one of her majjyc wands and shot a bolt of lightning at the sea dweller. The anti-majjyc sigils on her body protected her from the majjyc, but the impact of the attack still knocked her on the ground.

  “Never send a fish to do the job of a first guar-“ the Doctor was interrupted as another attack came from something out of his awareness. Not knowing where to direct his attacks, the Doctor punched the floor. The surrounding area shook, causing Handmaid to fall and making it a bit more difficult for the Empress to get back up.

 Rose’s vision omnifold foretold that action, and she jumped in time to avoid the shockwave. When her feet touched the ground again, she stomped on Dr. Scratches head again and again.

 “There you are!”

 Being stationary for too long proved to be a mistake, though Rose’s new change of clothes still shielded her from Scratch’s awareness, now he knew where to attack, not needing to know what he was attacking. A single **Green Sun** powered punch was enough to clobber Rose away again, and as Scratch knew how much Rose weighed and how much force he applied, he had a pretty good idea of where she landed, and where to attack next.

 “Rose!” Handmaid called, trying to get up.

 “Oh no, you don’t!” The Empress jumped on her, pinning one of  her hands to the ground with one hand while closing the other into a fist. “Legends of you were highly exaggerated,” she said, preparing to attack, banking all of the abnormal strength of her caste into that one single punch. “Nighty-night, avoid the Demoness’ sight,” she mocked and attacked.

 The Empress was much physically stronger than Handmaid, and she was too weak to slow time down for long, but then at that last second before certain death, her creativity flourished. Using all of her will to focus on her power, in an excruciating moment that seemed to last ages, Handmaid managed to make a small tear in the fabric of space right above her face. A fist sized time portal.

 The Empress’ fist passed through the tiny chronological fissure and hit…something. She quickly retrieved her arm from the portal and Handmaid relaxed, letting it close. The Empress prepared to apply another punch, but as soon as she formed a fist again, another tiny time portal opened, and her own fist from a few seconds ago emerged from it, delivering her own horrific force to her face. Handmaid heard something cracking as the Empress was hurled away by her own strength.

 She looked for Rose and when she found her she saw that she was having trouble getting back up, as Scratch walked towards her. She reached into one of her pockets, retrieved the tarot card with an item stored inside and stood up.

 “Not a single step, Scratch!”

 “Oh, you poor creature. Bless your ungifted brain. Rose was always the smart one,” Scratch laughed as his awareness acknowledged Handmaid with her wands in hand, with an undeniable aggressive intent. “Your niddlekind can’t even scratch me.”

 His underestimating of his former protégé proved lethal. He did not think anything of the strange way she held her wands, with one arm stretched forward and the other back. If he had he would have noticed that her pose matched the pose of one holding a bow and an arrow, and that the niddlekinds were simply a way to disguise that.

 The bow and arrow of Darkleer. Artifacts that once belonged to one who would be Page of Void, hidden from the awareness of the omniscient being by the aspect of it’s former owner. A weapon that once was denied its purpose in an act of defiance now found use once more in a similar act.

 She shot the arrow.

 Scratch did nothing. He could not protect himself from what he did not know.

 The arrow flew truly through the air, piercing the spherical heard of its target, making it crack.

 “Sucker,” said Rose, standing up.

 As Scratch staggered back, Handmaid shot another arrow, and another, and another until the quiver ran empty. A sickly green glow shined thought the cracks of Scratch’s head and as he screamed in pain, the power he received from **The Green Sun** was too much for his severely weakened body to sustain.

 There was a great green explosion at the bridge of the Empress’ ship. The vessel’s systems were affected by the damage, causing it to change its course, coming to crash on the next planet it passed by.

 The inhabitants of that planet became rather apprehensive when the ship crashed. The troll invaders who conquered their planet many years ago suddenly just dropped dead. They had only began to rejoice their unexpected freedom when one of their ships appeared again, crashing in a remote area. A search team was sent to investigate the ship, but found nothing, no bodies except for one dead troll that appeared to have been connected to the ships systems, but then again, the invaders had such odd customs, maybe it was just decoration?

 The inhabitants of that planet used the debris of the ship to study the invaders’ technology, which would hopefully help them achieve space travel themselves, but space was still such a mystery to them, who knows what else is hiding out there?

 

 

 

 Rose pointed at a group of stars in the sky, drawing the attention of her lover to them.

 “That one is…the Rosemary constellation, and over there is…The Vriskan constellation and, oh my goodness, what do we have here! It’s the Arafef constellation!”

 “Where did you even get these silly names?” Asked Handmaid.

 “The stars of the Dolofang constellation are displeased that you find their name silly”

 “Oh, how rude of me. Where are my manners? Inform the stars that I’m sorry and they should receive a letter with a formal apology along with a basket of fruits shortly.”

 Rose pulled Handmaid closer, placing an arm around her shoulders.

 “You really think the stars will forgive this transgression with your meager offering? That train of thought alone is an insult.”

 “Well then,” Handmaid said, planting a kiss on Rose’s neck, “I should start thinking…” she planted another kiss on Rose’s cheek and smiled when their eyes met, “on another way to apologize.”

 “You better,” Rose said, kissing her troll lover’s lips.

  Back in their home, the screaming of the damned began to be heard from the kitchen and the ground began to shake.

 “Oh good,” said Handmaid, “the hazelnut soup is ready!”

 “Something tells me you didn’t even bother to follow the recipe.”

 “Come on,” said Handmaid, dragging an amused Rose by the hand, “dinner is served!”


End file.
